If you think that Marion Jones was bad, think again. The Chinese cheated even before a single event was held (that’s being dramatic, since several games were played prior to the opening ceremonies). But you get the point. Not only have they been caught cheating once for the computer generated fireworks shown to the world (MSNBC), they also fibbed on the voice of the little girl (FoxNews).
Now there’s wide spread reports that the Chinese women’s (or little girl’s) gymnastic team include underaged girls. And with the Chinese divers, gymnasts, swimmers, shooters, and other Olympians racking up gold medals faster than you can say, “Yao Ming,” one has to wonder where else they might be cheating. Which, of course, caught the eyes of the organizers of the next Olympics from London.
Unless bagpiping and getting drunk at soccer matches are added as official Olympic sports, the Brits have little chance of matching the success of the Chinese. But they could certainly start planning for a successful Olympics. There’s really a simple four-point plan (remember, a plan always have to have points) that they can implement:
1. Increase number of talented athletes—they can either choose to make a multi-billion dollar investment to train junior athletes starting immediately, or solve this by using a more liberal immigration policy. In fact, UK should declare that all US athletes are eligible to compete as UK Citizens, and that they will be paid in British Pounds, rather than the weak US Dollar. This will probably get them a gold medal count of 10 or more.
2. Increase the number of world records broken—every swimmer who dives into the pools at the Water Cube seems to set a new world record. Britain needs to team up with its friends in Japan and import a few of those wave-making machines which are located in every artificial beach in that Asian nation. This is certain to increase the popularity of the event and will make organizers happy.
3. Ask George Lucas to produce the opening show—Yes, that’s right. It should not be called an Opening Ceremony any more, but an Opening Show. Lucas’ Industrial Light and Magic can certainly out-do the Hollywood wanna-be producers in China. This can also be sold as the sequel to Return of the Jedi, with Harrison Ford making a comeback as the torchbearer, or even better, they can raise the image of Sir Alec Guinness who will light the cauldron. The athletes will arrive via Imperial Destroyers, and there will be duel between Jedi Master Obama against Darth Putin. McCain can play the resurrected Yoda.
4. Why compete at all?—with the risk of injury so great, which will negatively impact the future of the athlete’s earning power (God forbid Kobe Bryant twisting an ankle in a game against the Republic of Borat), all competition will instead be played on the Nintendo Wii Sports. This is a much fairer way to determine athletic ability. It will also protect the status quo, where the rich nations will continue to win more medals (because their new generation of athletes have money to buy the Wii). In addition, this will finally give rise the new sports giant of the 21st Century, India, which doesn’t seem to quite carry its share of Olympic Medaling.
These simple changes will make it more difficult to cheat, and even if someone cheated, who cares? Ask Barry Bonds.
By the way, is he available to become the honorary torchbearer for the 2012 games? I think he can hit homeruns on Wii Baseball without using any needles.